Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Attending A Church Service in Lagos, Nigeria

It's the cure for lazy people!

Yes, that's right. You don't have to do anything other than show up at a church service in Lagos, Nigeria. But not just any ol' church service; it's gotta be at the "Christian Praying Assembly Church" in Lagos.

In the usual Yahoo!Chat room, a user, Chubbychubby74, ran in, shouted at the top of his keyboard's lungs, "HIV/AIDS IS 100% CURABLE FREE OF CHARGE" and "ITS [sic] CURE(100%) NOT TREATMENT". Several times he shouted this each time with an admonition to PM him.

Being the antithesis of gullible that I am, I PMed him. (Wow, it's big-word-day here at the blog, aint it?)

I asked him to tell me about his "cure". And he replied, "I wonder why people take the power of god for granted" (this, too, was in all caps, but for the sake of legibility here, I'm not going to all-caps it.) Since this wasn't a reply to my statement, I pressed on again with asking him to tell me about this "cure". Again, he ignored me and said that it's 100% free of charge; which he had already said in the chat room.

I'm beginning to wonder why so many people seem to have such difficulty with reading comprehension these days....

I pestered him to tell me the name of the church and it took at least 5 minutes to get out of him the damn name of the church, "Christian Praying Assembly Church". You'd think that a church that can cure HIV infection simply by showing up would be ecstatic to have its name plastered all over the internet. But this one apparently operates in relative secrecy. (Don't tell anybody....)

Once again, I asked him to tell me about the "cure". His response this time was "Are u [sic] in Nigeria?" Regardless, I went back and forth with Chubby-Chubby-Two-by-- and eventually got out of him that this cure is by his "General Overseer", he wasn't joking, he saw his brother cured 100%, that it was 100% free and asked me if I can come to Nigeria.

When I asked him who verified that his brother was cured, he demonstrated his lack of reading comprehension skills again and replied, "Have u [sic] heard of His Holiness The Most Hon. Dr. Rev. King". (That's quite a few abbreviations before his name there, ain't it?) He went on to again tell me that it's 100% free and that he's not "demanding" money.

Anyway, I pressed on with the verification of his brother being cured. He said that "four hospitals" did "the complete HIV tests". Being that there is nothing I'm aware of that are called "The Complete HIV Tests", I asked him about them. He said he didn't know what they were and that I should just believe him.

When it was clear that I doubted him, he began what was one of the most despicable and exploitative shenanigans to try to convince me. He said that a friend of his (you know, Angie from the UK) doubted him and "she is dead now". He further said:
  • "IF AM LYING LET GOD BLESS YOU, BUT IF AM SAYING THE TRUTH, FROM NOW TILL THE END OF 2009, YOU SHALL DIE"
  • "WHAT I PRONOUNCED UPON YOU WILL PROVE TO YOU OK"
  • "WE WILL KNOW WHO WILL FUCK INSIDE THE GRAVE"
  • "I HAVE SPOKEN TO U INTRHE NAME OF GOD"
  • "GET BEHIND ME SATAN"
So, I went ahead and asked Chubby Chubby 2x4 here to do something a little more kind: Make it rain outside my house if he was speaking for God. "I'll even accept a light drizzle".

He further proceeded to tell me that I was "dirty" and that he was giving me HIV instead of making it rain; all in the name of his all-loving God.

And then he left.

He's been back since then. And my offer of believing him if he can make it rain on demand still stands... I think we're in for a rather dry summer....

(I suspect that another user, njidekaking, is the same person as chubbychubbytwobyfour here; they both promote the "Attend a church service in Nigeria and be cured" bullshit with the same all capital letters and the same "May god punish me blah blah blah". My apologies if they are not the same person. However, looking through the internet real quick it's clear that they are at least speaking of the same church and same "hon. dr. rev. ms. prof. whatev. King")