Urine

Splashing our way back into the icky file (see: The Sputnik) we come to the, uh, other end of things. Yes, kids, urine can cure AIDS. If you don't believe me check the obviously credible and scientifically reviewed and studied testimonials at http://users.erols.com/martinlara/testimo.html. He has two of them so you know they're not made up. But, the jist of the first one is this:

Some guy named Max Caicedo was visiting his family in Puerto Rico. He apparently had been given "month or two to live" by his doctors so he apparently though it was <sob!> the last time. He had "opportunistic infections caused by AIDS." (Nevermind that AIDS is defined partially by having opportunistic infections (OI) and that those OIs are caused by HIV weakening the immune system so it can't fight off the viruses, etc. which cause the OI. That's where the word "opportunistic" comes from; they take the opportunity to infect. But I digress...)

The testimonial continues and says that he'd been taking "medication for several years", was in a wheelchair, was very weak and was <SOB!> "close to death." But some gullible, loving niece <clutch pearls here> in New York had faith he would recover. She illegally recorded a lecture this Martin Lara freak gave on an unnamed radio station in New York and "rushed the tape to her uncle". There was <dab tears with hanky> no time to loose--"Caicedo had lost faith and had already paid for funeral services and a cemetery plot."

(We'll be right back after this word from our sponsors. "SUCKER!")

Since he had <grasp loved-one's hand> "nothing left to lose" (except his dignity and fresh breath) he listened to the tape and decided to toss out all his medications and start drinking his own piss. After all, everything one hears on the radio has got to be true, right? "This is a decision that he will never regret because it saved his life."

Within three days Mr. Lara says this guy "had eliminated more excrement than in the previous six months." <release loved-one's hand and run for the bathroom to vomit...> "All his aches and pains were gone by the first week and his appetite and desire to live were back 100 percent. Within 10 days he had no need for the wheelchair and was gaining weight." Six weeks after the radio interview" (Interview? What interview? The stupid testimonial never mentioned an interview...) "he attended one of my monthly lectures to describe his positive experience with Uropathy." Mr. Lara says Caicedo was a new man (with bad breath) who had gained 30 pounds. (I'm guessing it was all water weight.) And, six months later, he was a globe-trotting trendsetter visiting Mexico and Miami and was on his way to Spain.

Ok, I've read up on this bullshit and here's what I understand the thinking behind drinking your own piss to be. The kidneys filter out what the body doesn't need at that moment and then it's eliminated in urine. Since, there are possibly some stuff in that urine that you simply didn't need at the moment it was filtered through your kidneys you can reingest that urine to get that stuff back into your body. And, by doing this, you get the best possible use out of everything you eat. Provided it's liquid, I guess.

Why not just eat more of the thing that provided the nutrients in the first place!?!? Why do these fuckers think that drinking something your body's already gotten rid of is good! I really hate to admit it but I know of several people who are, uh, into water sports--I don't mean the type you'd see at the summer Olympics--and they haven't been cured of anything!

No matter how nicely Mr. Lara or Mr. Caicedo ask I am not having them people over for a cocktail party...